We are fully Y2K compliant. Most of our equipment is, too!
The entire staff of Z-Ware Systems is fully Y2K compliant, or we expect to be come January 1, 1900.
The following page is filled with totally unofficial stuff which can't be relied upon by anyone for any reason, but it's okay to enjoy it. In fact, we hope you like it so much you'll stop sending us those twenty page long, complex questionnaires, which of course we never send back.
The first thing you need to do to prepare for the Y2K crisis is to finish reading this web page before January 1, 2000. After Jan 1, this page will still be posted in cyberspace, but because the world will be coming to an end as a result of power grid failures and inadvertent launching of nuclear weapons, you probably won't be able to hook up to the web, even if you stop foraging for food and your portable power generator has enough spare amps for surfing. Besides, we have it on pretty good authority that around about that date, the rest of the Teletubbies will be landing and turning the Earth into a giant Teletubbie theme park, complete with windmills and rabbits. We do hope you like Tubbie Custard and Tubbie Toast for breakfast!
However, we do have some good news for you! If the world does come to a halt on January 1, 2000, or within a few days thereafter, it won't be because of Z-Ware Systems, or anything we sold you. Nope, if you're having a bad Y2K day, it won't be because of us.
We've tested all of the custom software that we write and sell. If we wrote a package, at least if we admit we wrote it, and if we didn't steal the code from somewhere else, we know how it works. We can't find any problems with any of them. We're not saying we're Y2K experts because we're not. We've tried every test we can think of and so far there are no problems. However, if for some unfortunate reason your computer fails to turn on, or if it melts down right after it boots up, there's a significant chance our software won't work either. Oh, if your computer feeds our software the wrong date and time from your computer's internal clock, our software is going to put the wrong date on your data. You better check your computer clock for its Y2K compliance.
Let's summarize all of this. WE CAN'T FIND ANY Y2K PROBLEMS WITH ANY OF OUR EQUIPMENT OR OUR SOFTWARE---AT LEAST NONE THAT WE'LL ADMIT TO
Okay, anybody got any questions?
Need more? We've got it for you.
What about our own internal software programs and computer systems—things like our accounting packages? Of course, we tested our own systems in every way we could think of also, and everything passed.
Even if our accounting software stops working on January 3, 2000, you can count on us finding a way to bill you for whatever you bought from us prior to Armageddon. Even if we have to write your invoice on the back of bubble gum wrappers, we're going to bill you. This is the promise our lawyers made to us and it's the same promise we're going to make to you. It's the only thing we're going to guarantee you—but at least we're
guaranteeing something.
We've checked our 401K and payroll programs too. They work! Imagine how glad our employees are, or at least they would be if we HAD any employees! You can stop asking us if we're going to continue to check these programs, because the answer is simple. We all want our payroll program to cut those checks on time. If any banks are still operating after January 3, 2000, we want to be able to deposit our checks in them. Of course, once world peace is restored, and we're all living under one world wide government and monetary system, our dollars won't be worth much anymore. However, we will still need toilet paper so everybody will probably be asking to be paid in one dollar bills. Come to think of it, that's about what a one dollar bill is worth now, and it's well before January 1, 2000!
Unfortunately, we can't answer many questions about our external suppliers. We aren't expecting many problems, but who knows! We're contacting 20 of our largest suppliers and maybe they'll tell us something and maybe they won't. We've sent them all 20 page questionnaires, and so far, none of them has responded, and we don't really expect them to! We've got a lot of suppliers. We already know some of them are pretty good and some of them are idiots. We really don't expect the Y2K problem to change this.
Well, that's pretty much all we've got to say—almost. Our lawyers tell us we can't promise you anything regarding Y2K (except maybe the part about collecting our money). If you're using our equipment with someone else's software, or our software with someone else's equipment, who the hell knows what's going to happen, but it's probably their fault, not ours anyway. We sure can't predict what's going to go on after January 1, so how can we promise you something specific, or even vague for that matter? We can't, so we won't. However, we love our customers and like always we'll do whatever is reasonable to solve whatever problems come up, if there are any. And that's the truth!
If life as we know it comes to an end when everyone wakes up to flashing digits on their alarm clocks on the morning of January 1st, please remember to keep all of the memories of the good times you had with whatever we sold you. Don't ever let the memories die!
Right after Armageddon, using your computer may come in a little low on your hierarchy of needs. Food, shelter and ISO 9000 compliance may come first, but don't worry, as soon as there is a byte to be bytten, we'll be there helping you get your job done faster and better than ever before.
Nothing on this web page supercedes our official policy, and it is very official, so get your copy today if you feel you need to read it. You can get a copy of it by writing on a plain 3 X 5 card 'SEND ME A COPY OF YOUR OFFICIAL Y2K POLICY EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT ORDERING AT THIS TIME.' Put your complete name and address on the card and send it to us with a stamped self addressed envelope and $100,000.00 in small unmarked bills for shipping and handling. We'll send you an official copy of our official policy on our official stationery. Hurry, the price will be going up after the first of the year.
Now what happens if YOUR accounting software doesn't work next January, and you still owe us money? Don't bother calling us with that feeble Y2K excuse, unless we sold you the hardware and wrote the software for you. Just pick up a pen, open the old checkbook, and HAND WRITE US A CHECK! Or better yet, pay us in one dollar bills! If you have any employees old enough to remember life before computers, have them help you with this. The world actually existed before spreadsheets. It was a narrow, somewhat boring existence, but in a pinch it will still do.
So what scares us about Y2K? The only thing we really worry about is the over reaction of some obsessive people, and we're not talking about the nut cases burying Y2K compliant ammo in mountain caves, we're talking about what people say to us when we tell them we're not sending their questionnaire back. Wow! Mass panic could cause a mess. We recommend you keep your cool, buy some Dinty Moore's beef stew in cans, and lay in a good supply of toilet paper.
Before you start thinking that we just don't get it, yes we do. We were actually around the day COBOL was invented (well, technically, we WERE around, just still in diapers!). Some of us started our computing careers on an IBM 403 accounting machine that was slower than an abacus. The nights were long back then.
We do have one suggestion. Turn off all the equipment in your office, including all the lights, before you go home for New Year's eve. If Armageddon does happen, you won't care about any of it, and if everything continues along as usual, you'll have fun turning everything back on January 3rd to see if it all works.
Yes, we know it's also a leap year. Since the beginning of time we've had about five of them. There has never been a Z-Ware product that failed because of a leap year, at least not during a leap year when we were keeping records. Don't call, and don't ask. Of course our computers are all going to work just fine on February 31st just like every other day of the year.
Finally, for those of you who take this all seriously, please keep in mind, we have to have some fun someplace, and it's better that we do this than to make all of our machines put Tinky-Winky and Laa-Laa on your screen background.